Monday 4 October 2010

Stuff. And Josh Groban.

I have been burning the candle at both ends recently so to speak... It's not good for me, I know it's not, but... And yet i have so many important things to do, and so many other things I want to do - its so hard to make myself take time out. I feel I don't have time for it, but I'm not getting through the important stuff anyway... I feel like my life is such a shambles at the moment sometimes: I really need to do something about finding a new job. I have my (fairly) major uni project due in a week and a half. My place is a complete mess. I'm struggling to find motivation to do anything about any of these things. I have way more people that I've promised to catch up with than I have time to catch up with them in. Ditto emails I should to reply to. I know I'm avoiding dealing with things and doing all my classic evasion techniques (sit around reading fics on the internet all evening, anyone?). I want to spend as much time as possible with P, because he's only here for such a short time. And he's probably the closest friend I have at the moment. But I'm also worried about whether I'm going to handle it when he leaves to go overseas again. I don't have the right words to express why, but I'd be a fool to think I'm going to be fine with it :-/  Only have myself to blame though - I know I've been desperately clinging to P's friendship (almost like it's the only thing keeping me afloat) ever since I cut D out of my life. There's bound to be fallout. :-( 

I can feel that I'm stressed. And if I'm honest with myself, it dates back to falling out with D two months ago. I knew it was inevitable, but didn't make it any easier. And while I like to think that there are things I would have done differently if I had that time again, I think the end result would have been the same. Staying (very) close friends after breaking up was never going to work out. Unfortunately... :-(  For all the things that didn't work between D and I, he was a stabilizing influence on me and I miss that. Something about the kind of person he was seemed to help me to stay calmer than I would otherwise. I really miss the closeness we had. I wish I had been able to keep him as a friend, but it was just too hard on me. Maybe one day we'll be friends again (if he hasn't decided he hates my guts after what I said), but for now I think it's best for me if he's not a part of my life. :-/ sigh...

So what does that have to do with everything else? Well simply that I threw myself headlong into the rest on my life, to try to take my mind off D. Being too busy to think worked (mostly), and did push me into several things I wanted to be doing (like uni, and finding a new job) but now I've worn myself out... And I don't think I've really dealt with the stuff I need to deal with yet. But that's life. And these things take time. And I know I'm getting there (as far as getting over it goes), albeit more slowly than I'd like.  

Sigh... I really have to work on taking better care of myself - I know that. Even something as simple as getting enough sleep, eating better, and sorting out what my priorities are with the 5 billion things I need to do, would make a huge difference.

And in the meantime... here's some Josh Groban lyrics:
Because Josh is awesome and this is my favourite song. It sounds better sung, but I can't be bothered working out how to embedded media into this blog - you can search YouTube yourself if you don't know how it goes.  

P, this is for you :-) xo


A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me

And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

And I know that only time will tell me how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We'll let tomorrow wait
You're here right now with me
And all my fears just fall away
When you are all I see

We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you here today

And I will remember...
Oh, I will remember...
Remember all the love we shared today

(Awake by Josh Groban)

    

Saturday 22 May 2010

So about that poem... :-)

Why tell your grandkids you worked nine to five..
Five days a week for 40 years
And quietly sat in traffic jams while people went to war, suffered disease
And brothers killed brothers?
Why not tell them that you refused to live in fear?
Tell them you crossed the Amazon,
Saw the lost cities of gold
And met your soul mate in Casablanca.
Travel to the ends of the earth
Go now and live adventures that will
Make your grandkids proud.

I found it on this webpage:
http://www.apus-peru.com/adventure_peru.htm

...but it was originally adapted from a STA travel promotion.

Sunday 16 May 2010

A life lived in fear is a life half lived

What the title says.

For some unknown reason that line keeps going round and round in my head.

I think it's telling me to get out there and live life. Have fun. Do what I want to do. Take risks. Try new things. Live life.

I would like to put that STA travel poem here, but the brief search I did just then didn't find it. :-/
You know - the "make your grandkids proud" one.

And now I have Goldeneye the James Bond theme in my head. Not sure if that signifies anything. Better listen to some Josh instead :-)

Sunday 28 March 2010

Resolutions and stuff

So... I got reminded the other day that I haven't written in my blog for ages... And then this morning I was reviewing the new years resolutions I'd typed into my iphone notes app back in January, and I thought "Hey, this'd be a pretty good thing to put in my blog"... So here they are - my 2010 new years resolutions and my review of how I'm doing as at the 28th of march (copied direct from my iphone)

A quick note before I start. I'm generally not a fan of "new years resolutions". At the time I wrote them down I thought of them as decisions -things I was going to do this year. The key word involved was "achievable". And the overarching goal was "things that would help me enjoy life more". But this is just semantic nitpicking - most people would see no difference between this and me making new years resolutions so that's what I'm calling them here.

New Year, new leaf - 2010 new years resolutions

1. Spend more time doing things I love
    - dancing
    - playing board games
    - spending time with friends

2. Study something at tafe that could lead to a new career
    - interior architecture
    - massage
    - graphic design
    - cooking

3. Be more active. ie:
    - rockclimbing
    - go for walks
    - dance more (salsa?)

4. Stop sabotaging my relationships

5. Take time out for myself

How will I know when I've achieved these things?
Dancing twice week, board games at least every fortnight, catching up with friends several times/week, 2 nights in per week, at least one just me, go for a walk a couple of times a week (three), rockclimbing every fortnight. I'll have enrolled in tafe and will be studying something I enjoy. I'll regularly see someone to help me deal with my issues (maybe one of mum's students or mum or a psychologist)

Update 24th feb 2010
Playing boardgames more. My relationship with D is more solid. Need to work on the other things.

Update 28th march 2010.
1. Fairly good - spending more time with friends, and playing boardgames. Not doing so well with dancing, but generally spending more time doing things I enjoy. Lots of gaming = fun.

2. Haven't done anything about this - need to get onto it. Perhaps website design? Maybe I could get mum to pay for me to do a course as part of the exchange for making her a website.
Note: when I said tafe above, I don't mean I wouldn't consider courses through other institutions. Tafe is generally flexible and inexpensive so I'll look there first. I can't afford to leave my job and study fulltime.

3. I think I am more active than I was but not much. Definitely room for improvement. Haven't been going for walks recently like I intended to - I find it hard to find time. A bike ride once a week is a good idea. (Sunday morning bike ride) - next step get a bike (of my own). Perhaps D could help - like if we go down to the park together and he goes for a run while I go for a walk. Rockclimbing is difficult a) to find time, b) to find a climbing partner. Of course the latter might be solved if I rang some of the people who advertise for climbing partners at rockface. So that just leaves time...
 
I think for now, while the weather's ok, I'll focus on going for a bike ride on Sundays and trying to get more walks in. Maybe when it gets colder I should look into going back to body balance.

4. Um... I think I have definitely improved but I also think I still have quite a lot improving left to do. D and I have been together 6 months now, which almost makes my longest relationship. And in the only longer relationship I've been in, at 6 months I was just waiting to break up with him. I put it off for a while for a couple of reasons, one of them being that he was madly trying to finish his honours thesis at the time. (we broke up shortly after). 

So anyway... (after that somewhat irrelevant aside), I think I'm doing better with my current relationship than I have in the past. (By that I mean that I am more mature and this is a healthier relationship compared to previous ones). Of course, I'm sure that's greatly helped by the fact that my boyfriend has the patience of a saint. Seriously, he's one of the most patient people I know. :-) 

Anyway, as far as relationships go, I know I still have plenty of room to improve. But it's important not to forget how far I've come too. 

For now I want to focus on trying to appreciate what I have, rather than focusing on what's missing. And also spend some time thinking about what's important to me. Maybe try talking things over with an unbiased third party more often. 

How do you know if the things you choose to compromise on in a relationship are the right things? (I take the perspective there will always be things you have to compromise on because no-one's perfect) This the question that gets to me sometimes - because D has lots of really good points, but he also lacks a few other qualities that are also things I want in a boyfriend (just to be clear about it here, there's definitely more really good points than points I feel are missing. Definitely. :-). So, do I focus on appreciating the good stuff more and not worry about the rest? Or should I be trying to find someone who has all those things that are really good about D plus the other stuff as well...? How do you know? Is the very fact I'm asking this question my answer? Or am I overanalysing things too much? (very probably). What is my purpose here anyway? 

Arrgh! Brain overload. But it has at least prompted me with an idea - I think this would be a good time to reread Neale Donald Walsch, CwG book 1. And at the risk of repeating myself... for now, apart from rereading CwG, I going to try to focus on appreciating the good stuff. :-) I think I am overanalysing things too much.

[and incidentally, while I was writing this, I got a text from my boyfriend that reminded me of one of the things I really like about him... :-D Just wanted to acknowledge that here... Thanks D for making me smile *has warm fuzzy feeling*]

5. I think I am better at taking time out for myself when I need it. And I think I'm improving at recognizing when I need time out, and how much time I need. And I've improved at saying no to people, when saying yes would not leave me with enough time to myself. (obviously this is situationally dependent). I keep monday and thursday nights as nights in to myself and this usually works pretty well. So long as I don't over do things on the weekend and have a bit of time then too - such as a nice lazy sunday morning - and/or on my wednesday off. I think I'm doing reasonably well with finding balance in my life. 

Actually just thinking about it now, I think the optimum is mon and thurs evenings in, (not necessarily by myself, but quiet evenings nonetheless), and nice lazy mornings sunday and wed (not starting off doing stuff til after lunch). Some, not necessarily all, of the above spent on my own. 

Is that a lot of time to need as downtime? It kind of seems that way to me - I mean what would I do if I got a real job (ie fulltime, instead of 30hr/wk) and had to work wednesdays, instead of every second saturday? Cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess. I am lucky with my current work roster. :-)  

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Wow! This has turned into a massively long post. Anyway time to do something else - like enjoying the absolutely beautiful weather we have today - think I might borrow my housemate's bike and go for a ride around the lake again. Today is a good day :-)