I have been burning the candle at both ends recently so to speak... It's not good for me, I know it's not, but... And yet i have so many important things to do, and so many other things I want to do - its so hard to make myself take time out. I feel I don't have time for it, but I'm not getting through the important stuff anyway... I feel like my life is such a shambles at the moment sometimes: I really need to do something about finding a new job. I have my (fairly) major uni project due in a week and a half. My place is a complete mess. I'm struggling to find motivation to do anything about any of these things. I have way more people that I've promised to catch up with than I have time to catch up with them in. Ditto emails I should to reply to. I know I'm avoiding dealing with things and doing all my classic evasion techniques (sit around reading fics on the internet all evening, anyone?). I want to spend as much time as possible with P, because he's only here for such a short time. And he's probably the closest friend I have at the moment. But I'm also worried about whether I'm going to handle it when he leaves to go overseas again. I don't have the right words to express why, but I'd be a fool to think I'm going to be fine with it :-/ Only have myself to blame though - I know I've been desperately clinging to P's friendship (almost like it's the only thing keeping me afloat) ever since I cut D out of my life. There's bound to be fallout. :-(
I can feel that I'm stressed. And if I'm honest with myself, it dates back to falling out with D two months ago. I knew it was inevitable, but didn't make it any easier. And while I like to think that there are things I would have done differently if I had that time again, I think the end result would have been the same. Staying (very) close friends after breaking up was never going to work out. Unfortunately... :-( For all the things that didn't work between D and I, he was a stabilizing influence on me and I miss that. Something about the kind of person he was seemed to help me to stay calmer than I would otherwise. I really miss the closeness we had. I wish I had been able to keep him as a friend, but it was just too hard on me. Maybe one day we'll be friends again (if he hasn't decided he hates my guts after what I said), but for now I think it's best for me if he's not a part of my life. :-/ sigh...
So what does that have to do with everything else? Well simply that I threw myself headlong into the rest on my life, to try to take my mind off D. Being too busy to think worked (mostly), and did push me into several things I wanted to be doing (like uni, and finding a new job) but now I've worn myself out... And I don't think I've really dealt with the stuff I need to deal with yet. But that's life. And these things take time. And I know I'm getting there (as far as getting over it goes), albeit more slowly than I'd like.
Sigh... I really have to work on taking better care of myself - I know that. Even something as simple as getting enough sleep, eating better, and sorting out what my priorities are with the 5 billion things I need to do, would make a huge difference.
And in the meantime... here's some Josh Groban lyrics:
Because Josh is awesome and this is my favourite song. It sounds better sung, but I can't be bothered working out how to embedded media into this blog - you can search YouTube yourself if you don't know how it goes.
P, this is for you :-) xo
A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me
And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other
So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same
And I know that only time will tell me how
To carry on without each other
So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today
We'll let tomorrow wait
You're here right now with me
And all my fears just fall away
When you are all I see
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you here today
And I will remember...
Oh, I will remember...
Remember all the love we shared today
(Awake by Josh Groban)
