And now a post full of random things...

...Not all Josh related I promise :-)


One of my recent additions to favourite Josh Groban lyrics. Easily my favourite line from his song "You are loved (Don't give up)"
(Found - I'm pretty sure I saw it on fuckyeahjoshgroban, but hunting through their blog is not finding where)














Books! The best weapons in the world!
(found here)














Because it makes me laugh...
(found here)



















And finally: This
(Okay, perhaps I am obsessed... :-D )

Because just what you need when you're trying to get through depression is an email like that...

I have been upset for the past 6hrs or so since I read the email that has prompted this post. Here is my response. I have tried very hard to respond like a mature adult because the last thing you want to do when complaining about someone treating you like a child is respond like one. I don't know if I succeeded - probably not as well as I would have liked - but it sure is better than what I would have wrote if I'd replied earlier.

To ___,

I'm sure it wasn't your intention, but your email comes across as that I am not welcome to come and stay with you. Also I feel like you are treating me like a child. I am certain that you would have expressed your house rules differently if you had been writing to an adult friend who was coming to stay with you.

Possibly you are lumping me in with ____. I hate it when people do that. I am not him.

I do not feel like coming to stay with you or even coming up for Easter lunch any more. I will think about it tomorrow and may change my mind but at this point I am not coming. I would rather be lonely by myself here and struggle with my depression on my own, than impose or be treated like a child.

Regards,

Jess

---

Would a mature adult have just "let it go"? I know the person who wrote to me probably didn't mean to upset me. I know that they've been super busy recently and probably typed it out without thinking about how they were coming across. On the other hand I have no doubt that if they had been writing to a friend who was coming to stay with them they would have expressed things differently (regardless of how busy they were).

I'm reminded of a chapter from one of my favourite books. Since quoting the chapter would take up too much space, I have just included a couple of the most pertinent paragraphs here (emphasis mine):

"[...] there are things you can do when you react with pain and hurt to what another is being, saying, or doing. The first is to admit honestly to yourself and to another exactly how you are feeling. This many of you are afraid to do, because you think it will make you “look bad.” Somewhere, deep inside of you, you realize that it probably is ridiculous for you to “feel that way.” It probably is small of you. You are “bigger than that.” But you can’t help it. You still feel that way.

There is only one thing you can do. You must honor your feelings.

[....] Yes, the things that others think, say, or do will sometimes hurt you — until they do not anymore. What will get you from here to there most quickly is total honesty — being willing to assert, acknowledge, and declare exactly how you feel about a thing. Say your truth — kindly, but fully and completely. Live your truth, gently, but totally and consistently. Change your truth easily and quickly when your experience brings you new clarity.

No one in right mind, least of all God, would tell you, when you are hurt in a relationship, to “stand aside from it, cause it to mean nothing.” If you are now hurting, it is too late to cause it to mean nothing. Your task now is to decide what it does mean — and to demonstrate that. For in so doing, you choose and become Who You Seek to Be."

- Conversations with God Book 1

So what have I actually been doing with myself...?

Recently a number of people have been asking me what I am actually doing with my time down here at my mum's place. Generally I talk about the Photoshop course I'm doing one night a week and then deflect the question.

This post is partially for those people, but mainly because I think it's important to talk about this topic. If sharing my experience helps even just one person in the future (even if that person is my future self looking back through my blog) then it will have been worth couple of hours I've just spent trying to work out how to write about it.

Depression is a difficult subject to talk about, but reading this article I stumbled across the other week made me want to recommend the article to everyone I know. Because if I'd known more about depression earlier - or if someone in my life had known enough to point me towards help when I'd struggled with (undiagnosed) depression at other times in my life - who knows how different my life would have been...

Emma Jane in the article linked above puts it this way:

"I feel terribly self-conscious sharing such a harrowing and intimate story in public. (Most people in my life have no idea.)

But Andrew Robb's book Black Dog Daze and next Saturday's World Suicide Prevention Day have reminded me of something important: that while talking about mental illness may be excruciating, not talking can be fatal.

In fact, I reckon those of us who can emotionally finance disclosure may have a moral imperative to do so because so many others suffer in such deadly silence and stigma."

I absolutely agree.

It's not that I'm not happy to talk about this with people in person, but it is awkward to tell people. Especially if it's a group situation. It's difficult enough in one-on-one conversations to bring up the fact that "actually I spent most of my time last month either a) playing computer games to forget about how depressed I am or b) being depressed, sometimes so much so, that I was unsure whether I would make it to 28th birthday"

And then there's the fact that there's still a lot of misunderstanding around depression. If I haven't talked to someone about it before, I don't know how they're going to react. Perhaps they've had experience with depression (personal experience or someone they're close to), or perhaps they'll turn out to be one of those people who "doesn't believe in depression". Having to deal with someone's misunderstandings around depression can be really difficult.

"Misunderstanding about depression can give a depressed person even more of a focus for self hate," she says. "When people I know tell me to cheer up or to just snap out of it, I start to blame myself for the way I feel, and it has taken me many years to trust myself enough to know that it is not my fault and that I deserve happiness."
- The Stigmas of Depression by Dave Ward

So this is a hard post to write and publish in such a public forum, but it's made somewhat easier by the fact that the situation I outlined earlier is no longer true. Yes, 3-4 months ago I quite likely would have answered that way. Today things are better. Not perfect by a long way, but better.

So in answer to the question - the majority of my time is spent on recovering from depression.

Which involves:

• Weekly sessions with my excellent psychologist. (Who I thoroughly recommend if you're around here and need one)
  
  
• Making exercise a non-negotiable part of my day. Every day. (ie. "Even if I do nothing else today, I will still make myself spend 30min at a brisk walk on mum's treadmill). I've never liked exercise by the way, just to put that in perspective.
  
  
• Doing things I enjoy and/or that give me a sense of having achieved something (cooking, photoshop course, piano, blogging, catching up with people)
  
  
• Trying to slowly get through the HUGE backlog of things I really should have done but haven't. (And am probably being penalized in some way or other for not doing - whether it's late fees on financial things, or friendships declining due to not getting back to people)
  
  
• Doing things that allow me to forget the depression temporarily (escapism - mainly computer games)
  
  
• I also put a fair bit of effort into trying to avoid cane sugar, and trying to avoid getting run down. Neither of which are as easy to avoid as they may seem, but I do my best because both of these things seem to make me fall into moderate/severe depression much more easily
  
  

Progress is measured mostly by how much strength and energy I have to do things, and partially by keeping track of my overall mood (ie my average mood over the space of a week or so). Spending more time doing things I like each week and less time in escapism, is progress. Spending more time doing things that really ought to have been done already and less time lying around feeling depressed is progress.

I was on anti-depressants for a couple of months. Anyone who knows me, knows that I'm not keen on drugs of any kind even prescription drugs. (That was the understated way of putting it, by the way...) The point at which I gave in was when I realised that the main reason I had for not killing myself was that it was just before Christmas and it'd be - slightly - more considerate to my family to wait until January. Due to the drugs, taking up exercising daily, and finally finding a psychologist who was right for me in this town, January wasn't as bad and it's been slowly (ever so slowly) upwards since then.

However I'm glad to now be off the drugs for a number of reasons I won't go into here. My deal (with myself and my doctor) was that I could go off the anti-depressants provided I continued to stick to daily exercise. That is my anti-depressant now. It is my top priority.

I don't know why I happen to be one of those people who is prone to depression. While I have a fairly good idea of what triggered this episode - which I believe started in June last year - and what made it much more difficult to recover from, I don't know why I tend towards depression rather than (for example) drowning my sorrows in alcohol, or throwing myself into work, or - heaven forbid - actually dealing with things easily and getting on with my life.

I do know, however, that depression is something I have struggled with at other times in my life. It just wasn't diagnosed as depression. I certainly struggled with undiagnosed depression throughout most of my teenager years and I can think of at least 2 times between then and now when I was probably depressed for some months but unaware that's what it was.

To quote Emma Jane's article again:

"These days, I view depression as being like diabetes, asthma or any other chronic illness requiring ongoing management.

Having an unquiet mind is my particular health burden and I've just had to get my head around the prospect of being on and off medication and in and out of therapy forever.

Sure, it can be expensive, inconvenient and embarrassing. But [...] the worst-case consequences of letting things slide are just too, too grave."

I personally am refusing to accept the prospect of being on and off medication for the rest of my life. But the other part of that sentence, the part about the prospect of being in and out of therapy forever... is something I've been thinking about recently.

---

Acknowledgements due to Take it from me, the black dog's bite need not be fatal by Emma Jane. Which really is an excellent article, please go over there and read it.

If you have never experienced depression yourself, I encourage you to learn more about it. Doing so might just save one of your friends' or family members' lives in the future, or it could simply make their struggle with depression easier for them. Here's a good place to start. And here's another article to continue with.

In Australia you can get a medicare rebate for the majority of a psychologist's fee, provided you have a referral from a GP. You're allowed 10 sessions a year under medicare. It's not hard to get a referral to a psychologist from a GP, or at least it wasn't for me. Sometimes finding a psychologist that you click with is difficult. Don't be afraid to try another psychologist if the first one you try doesn't seem right. I had sessions two other psychologists before I found the right person. Persevere until you find one that suits you. It's worth it.

Your GP can also give you a medical certificate to take to Centrelink, which allows you to receive Centrelink unemployment benefits without having to meet the fortnightly job search requirements. It's not a great deal of money but it's sufficient for me to live off considering I'm not paying rent. It allows me to pay the gap between the cost of the psychology sessions and the amount medicare refunds you, and it's what will allow me to continue seeing the psychologist on a fortnightly basis when my medicare subsidized sessions run out in a couple of weeks time. Full price is expensive. And if anyone sees it as having a holiday at Centrelink's expense... Well, I would happily swap these payments for not having to live with this depression any day. Yes it is nice to not have to work at the moment. But the other side of the coin - the part of it that made me eligible for these payments - is seriously not worth it. Not even if Centrelink was paying 5 times as much as they do.

Quotes to live by

Found at The Wandering Reader

I caved...

...about 20mins after I wrote that post

iPhone -> iTunes -> buy "You are loved (Don't give up)"

Now I can listen to it anytime :-D

Dear Josh, I want to marry you and have your babies...

Okay, maybe not quite... But..

Words cannot express how much I love Josh Groban. I've been known to listen to one cd by him every time I drove my car for months on end without changing it. Sometimes I've listened to one song for days on end because it just fits. One of the bigger regrets I have - I didn't discover how much I loved him until after his last Australian tour (2007)... Seriously, if I could go back to 2007 and only do one thing? I'd be there. Okay so it helps that not much else comes to mind about 2007 right at this moment, but still... I'm sure that even if I did come up with some other possibilities, either seeing Josh live would win or it'd be really a tough choice.

I've been re-watching the Awake: Live dvd recently. It's my current "treadmill entertainment". The only downside? I end up completely out of breath after only 15 min because I'm singing along at the top of my lungs (not such a good idea on a brisk walk, but I just can't help it). And my favorite part - the behind the scenes extras where Josh tells you about what it's like being on the road, performing, and hanging with his band... OMG *love* Not just for his self depreciating humour or letting people see into his life, but also because I'm amazed that he is still humble even after selling out 15 000 seat arenas on a regular basis. Also I want to work with people as awesome as your band, Josh. Can you send me them?

Quoting the lyrics to his songs just doesn't do them justice - you have to hear him sing them! - but I'm going to do it anyway. My favorite song of all time will probably always be Awake, but I've quoted that before so instead here are excerpts from two songs that I didn't remember how awesome they are until recently.

"And it's no one's fault
There's no black and white
Only you and me
On this endless night
And as the hours run away
With another life
Oh, darling can't you see
It's now or never
It's now or never..."

- Now or Never, Josh Groban

"Don't give up
It's just the weight of the world
When your heart's heavy
I...I will lift it for you

Don't give up
Because you want to be heard
If silence keeps you
I...I will break it for you

Everybody wants to be understood
Well I can hear you
Everybody wants to be loved
Don't give up
Because you are loved"

- You are loved (Don't give up), Josh Groban

Sigh, now I want to listen to them, but I only have them on the Awake DVD...

On marriage equality...

Tonight I sent in a submission on the Australian senate inquiry into marriage equality.

You can support marriage equality in Australia by sending a submission here:
http://www.australianmarriageequality.com/senate-inquiry-submission-form/

I strongly encourage you to complete this form if, like me, you believe that same-sex couples should have the same right to get married as heterosexual couples. Closing date is April 2nd.

The default message is as follows:

SUBMISSION ON THE MARRIAGE EQUALITY AMENDMENT BILL 2010

Dear Committee Secretary,

As an Australian who believes same-sex couples should be able to marry, I strongly support the Marriage Equality Amendment Bill 2010.

The Bill is an important step towards providing legal equality for same-sex partners and removing discrimination against them.

The Bill will strengthen relationships, families and marriage, and will make Australia a fairer and more inclusive nation.

I support provisions of the Bill which will allow a celebrant who is a minister of religion to refuse to marry same-sex partners.

I oppose civil unions as a substitute for full equality in marriage for same-sex partners.


I added some of my own comments in the further information box:

Repeated polling shows that the majority of Australian's support marriage equality. Please update our laws to reflect the majority view, rather than that of the vocal minority who speak out loudly in the hope that they can drown out the rest of us.

I may not be paying for controversial (and offensive) ads in the paper like Bob Katter, but my view is no less valid for the fact that I speak it quietly but firmly.

Come on Australia, it's time to step and show the world that this is a place where people of all sexual preferences can live without stigma or discrimination.

Thank you,

Jess Carrier

27 year old heterosexual female who believes her gay and lesbian friends should have the same rights she has.


I give you permission to use my comments if you want to/can't think of your own... So go on support marriage equality in Australia.

A summary of polls done on support for marriage equality can be found here.

Rough day

Rough day. I don't understand why people think it's acceptable to pike at the last minute. Not the genuine "car broke down" / "too sick to leave the house" / etc which of course is understandable, but instead piking at the last minute simply because they chose something else over spending time with me, despite the fact that I had specifically chosen Sunday instead of Saturday because they wanted me to have it on Sunday. [insert non-complimentary comments about people here]. You knew this was happening, you knew that I'd deliberately scheduled it to fit in with you, and yet you still made choices today that meant you had to text me less than one hour beforehand and say you couldn't make it.

Well f--- you! I don't really care if other people think this is acceptable or not. It really shits me when people do this. Pretty much guarantees I'll be reconsidering your place in my life, and whether I should be bothering to maintain the friendship/relationship/whatever is was we had. Frankly I'm probably better off anyway hanging around with people who, like me, don't consider this acceptable behaviour.

Quotes to live by

"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind" - Dr Suess

.

An experiment in alternative haircare - Day 40

If you read my last post (here), you should know that slightly over a month ago I decided to experiment with a slightly unusual haircare routine - namely using bicarb soda and apple cider vinegar (ACV) to wash my hair instead of shampoo and conditioner.

And if you haven't read that post yet, you should probably read it first... It goes into the reasons, the mechanics, and links to the blogs I got the inspiration from.

---

So, the verdict.


Well I'll go into more details in a moment, but the short answer is: It seems to work fine and I intend to keep it up. The new routine appears to work just as well as shampoo/conditioner for my hair (possibly better), and there aren't really any downsides. There are a few things that I'll mention below, but they're really not that significant. Which is good - I'm pleased it has worked out and that I can live more sustainably, save money and still have clean hair.

---

First an update on my routine. I have adapted my formula and my routine a little since I started.

I found this livejournal community (http://no-poo.livejournal.com/) and this blog fairly early on and the main thing I got out of reading through them was that you have to find the routine that works for you. People are doing all sorts of no shampoo routines - I'll leave it up to you to read them and discover - and what works wonderfully for one person doesn't always work for everyone. In a way I'm glad that I had only read about the bicarb/ACV way before I started, otherwise I might have been overwhelmed by the possibilities.

My new routine

approx 1.5 tbsp bicarb soda in 600ml of warm water
approx 1.5 tbsp ACV in 600ml of warm water

I have re-purposed 2 old 600ml plastic pop-top water bottles for holding my "shampoo" and "conditioner" (hence why my recipe is for 600ml of water). The pop-tops aren't essential but I do find them very handy for getting the liquid where I want it to go when in the shower.

I wash my hair when I first get in the shower. This is so that I can leave the ACV solution in my hair for a couple of minutes (like conditioner) while I wash the rest of myself.

First I wash my hair with the bicarb and water solution. Or rather I'm diligent about getting it thoroughly into the roots and scalp and don't worry about the rest of my hair. If I'm not diligent about making sure I get into the roots and scalp, I (typically) end up missing the area at back near the nape of my neck which means it's still greasy and ick after washing. This is where the pop-top on the bottle is very useful because I can shove it into my hair and squirt the liquid where I want it to go. I use my other hand to comb through my hair while doing so, to spread it around and check that it's getting to everywhere. (The bicarb and water solution has a bit of a slippery feel to it, that's how I know I've got it through my hair). By the time I've got it everywhere in the scalp and roots, I've probably used about 1/3 of the bottle of liquid.

After I rinse out the bicarb solution, I put the ACV solution on my hair - roots, length, ends, everywhere. I end up using rather a lot of it (probably around 1/2- 2/3 of the 600ml bottle) but I do have long hair that's more than half way down my back. I'm sure if you had shorter hair you wouldn't go through as much.

I leave the ACV solution on my hair while I wash the rest of myself and then rinse it off as the last thing I do in the shower. I make sure I'm very thorough about rinsing it out, because on 2 occasions part of my hair smelt like ACV after it dried (but only part of my hair in each case). I assume that it must have been because of inadequate rinsing, because every other time I washed my hair it didn't smell like ACV. I've had other people smell my hair to check a couple of times and they've confirmed that it doesn't smell like ACV.

I wash my hair every 4-5 days (usually 4), which is slightly less often than before. When I used shampoo and conditioner I used to wash my hair around every 3-4 days.

---

So is my hair in better condition now?

Well, it's kind of hard to tell. It's definitely not heaps better, but it's certainly not any worse than it was when I was using normal shampoo.

I think it's in somewhat better condition, although I could be misremembering what my hair was like before. But I have 2 things to bolster my belief that my hair is a bit better now:

1) I'm having to wash my hair slightly less often which means it's not getting greasy quite as quickly as before.

2) In my last post I referred to the condition of my hair as "pretty awful". If you asked me about the condition of my hair these days I'd say it's average. So unless my standards for judging the condition of my hair have moved, it's probably better than it was.

---

Downsides

As far as I'm concerned there are no significant downsides. There are a few things that I'll mention here, but none of them are really significant.

- It's not really a travel friendly routine. I mean it'd be fine if I was only going away for a week but if I were to go backpacking for a couple of months (like I hope to at some point) it'd be quite a hassle. But that's not a problem at the moment anyway.

- I find the smell of ACV in the shower a bit weird. I still haven't got used it it. As mentioned above I've confirmed that you don't smell like ACV afterwards, but in the shower when I'm using it, I find it odd and slightly unpleasant. Apparently some people use essential oils or something to scent the ACV solution because they don't like the smell, but I can't be bothered - it's not a major issue and I can put up with it (obviously I don't find it that bad or I would bother to try adding essential oils). Some people use lemon juice diluted in water for the conditioner instead, I might try that at some point.

---

So overall, as far as I am concerned, it works and I'm sticking to it.

In terms of saving money:

I'm not sure how much bicarb I've gone through because the bicarb gets used for other things as well. But I've used roughly 1/4 of a 750ml bottle of ACV, so it looks like this bottle of ACV will end up lasting me around 5 months in total. I don't remember how often I used to have to buy shampoo/conditioner but I'm sure it was at least every 3 months (possibly every 1-2 months).

An experiment in alternative haircare - Day 1

As part of my desire to live a more sustainable lifestyle, I've decided to trial something I've heard about ages ago and just stumbled across again recently.

So what is this experiment you ask?

Simply no shampoo and no conditioner to wash my hair for a month. Instead I'll be using a solution of 1 tbsp bicarb soda to 1 cup of warm water followed by a rinse of 1 tbsp apple cider vinegar to 1 cup of warm water.

Sounds a bit extreme, doesn't it? Very hippy-comune-ish, yes?

Well, I'll see. Plenty of people swear by it, not just for the environmental benefits but also because they've found that their hair is in much better condition since making the switch. I'm mainly doing it for the benefit to the environment, but if I happen to get better hair out of it, that'd be a nice bonus. And frankly my hair has been in pretty awful condition recently (using regular shampoo and conditioner) - either greasy or dry and frizzy - so it probably can't get much worse, right?

- The benefits -

1. No plastic
Instead of buying shampoo and conditioner in plastic containers, I'll be buying bi-carb soda (compostable cardboard box) and apple cider vinegar (glass bottle). If you didn't already know that glass can be recycled hundreds of times whereas plastic is typically downcycled once only, go watch the excellent movie Bag it!. Seriously go watch it, even if you do know that.

2. Less total packaging waste (in theory)
In theory the containers of bi-carb and vinegar should last me a lot longer than shampoo and conditioner normally does, which means less packaging bought in total.

I say "in theory" because I don't actually know how much I'll be going through (apparently you may need more than 1 cup for long hair, but you may not). Also I can't remember how often I used to have to buy shampoo and conditioner. Perhaps I'll ask mum how long it takes her to go through them for comparison purposes.

3. No chemicals being washed down the drain and into our waterways.
Shampoo and conditioner typically contain a lot of chemicals which are not particularly good for us or the environment (particularly SLS and SLFS - sodium lauryl sulfate, sodium laureth sulfate - the ingredients that create the lather). Okay so they're probably not completely terrible for you and the environment, but still it'd be better to avoid them. For more information about what's so bad about shampoo go to this great post by Livejournal user babyslime.

4. Save money
A box of bicarb and a bottle of apple cider vinegar cost about half as much as a bottle of shampoo and conditioner. And as mentioned above should last me longer.

5. No chemicals on my body
See 3. I haven't noticed any sensitivity to the ingredients of shampoos and conditioners but still.

6. Better hair (supposedly)
I've only just started so I can't comment on this one but heaps of people say their hair is better after switching. I'll let you know.

Apparently you (and your hair) don't end up smelling like vinegar either.


- Day 1 -

I washed with the bicarb and water solution today. Didn't rinse with the vinegar solution, because we didn't go to the shop until after I'd washed my hair. My hair was particularly manky/greasy before washing because I hadn't washed it for longer than usual, and I'd rinsed in water only yesterday - as per the recommendation to give your hair a little break between regular shampoo and this routine.

So far I can report that the top front part of my hair seems to be at least as good as washing with regular shampoo and conditioner. The bottom half of my hair feels a bit greasy still, and the back (around the nape of my neck) feels very greasy. I don't know if I didn't distribute the solution through my hair very well, or if this just part of the adaption process.

Apparently some people's hair takes a few weeks to adapt, others notice an improvement straight away.

I plan to continue this for a month and see how it goes. I intend to report back regularly, but I often intend to write more in my blog than I normally do. But if it does work for me, you can bet I'll be telling people about it somehow...

For more infomation on the why and how of going shampoo free, these are the two main websites I got my information from: (they're also linked in the text above)
http://myplasticfreelife.com/2008/06/no-more-poo/
http://babyslime.livejournal.com/174054.html

I just want to share this image:

...and this blog:

http://myplasticfreelife.com/

Bag it!

So as per usual I haven't updated in ages. And I haven't done any of the many blog posts I intended to write about either. Oh well...

Today I just wanted to write a short post about the documentary I saw last night.

Did you know that in some parts of our oceans there is 40x more plastic than plankton(aka food)?

That's just one fascinating (and scary fact) that I learnt from the movie "Bag it! Is your life too plastic?". It was an excellent documentary. I think everyone (and I mean everyone!) should see this movie. It takes a serious issue, addresses it in a way that is both very compelling but also light-hearted and accessible to a general audience. It will change the way you think about plastic (in a good way).

So yes, highly recommended. Check it out.

In fact I'm so impressed with it I plan to order my own copy - so if you want to see it, let me know - I may be organising screenings.

Things and yummy things

It's been an age since I've written in this blog - getting on close to a year. And quite a lot of things have changed in my life since then (mostly for the better, although one area of my life is less than ideal). But I don't think I'll go into any details now. That's a story (or two) another time. For today I have a comment on wool crafts and a recipe for you.

----

For some reason the cold weather has prompted me to pick up wool crafts again. It's a little odd because I've hardly done anything for the past few years and suddenly I'm finishing off projects from years ago and starting new ones. Mostly crochet - I've mucked around with a few knitting items, but haven't started knitting anything in earnest. So far I've finished off a hat for my dad and a scarf I started years ago, and crocheted 4 granny squares for Sarah London's Crochet a Rainbow project (where she collect granny squares from people and sews them into blankets for victims of natural disasters). I'm also re-making the first crochet hat I made which I lost 2 years ago. Luckily I had enough wool left.

I took some photos of my dad's hat so I'll (hopefully) upload them later. I'm tossing with the idea of creating a craft blog or photo album, but probably won't get around to it.

----

And finally a recipe!

My aunt gave me the recipe for her divine Thai Red Curry Salmon several years ago. I can't believe it took me until recently to actually make it myself. And now i've made it twice in the space of about a month. It is seriously heaven. And it's not even too hot - in fact if you do what I do and only use 2.5 tbsp of the curry paste, it has barely any heat at all - just this delicious full of flavour sauce.

Poached Tasmanian Salmon in a Red Thai Curry
 
Ingredients: -

350gm                 Tasmanian salmon (cut into 2cm cubes)
2 medium             Brown Onions (halved and sliced)
3                          Cloves of garlic (crushed/finely chopped)
1 piece                 Ginger (chopped small or large, depending if you want to be able to pick out the pieces later or eat them)
4 tablespoons       Red Thai Curry paste*
400ml                   Coconut cream
4 tablespoons       Fish Sauce
2-3 tablespoon     Palm sugar
1 Bunch               Thai basil (or normal basil)
1                          Lime


Method:

Heat the wok and sauté the sliced onion, garlic and ginger. 
Add the red curry paste and fry until fragrant. 
Add the coconut cream, lime juice, palm sugar and fish sauce, (also throw in the lime skins) and simmer for 1 minute. 
Adjust the seasoning to suit your own taste. 
Just before serving place the salmon into the curry and poach gently for 5 minutes only. 
Finish by adding the torn Thai basil leaves and some roughly chopped coriander if you want.

The important thing is to make sure that you don't poach the salmon for too long as otherwise it will fall apart. The aim is to get the right balance between the sweet (sugar), sour (lime) and salty (fish sauce) flavours. It is the quickest and easiest dish to prepare. You can prepare the sauce in advance and throw in the fish and herbs at the last minute to avoid reheating. If you are unable to get Thai Basil, then ordinary basil will do.

*My aunt says she uses Valcom red curry paste but I couldn't find that the day I bought the ingredients so I've been using Spencers red curry paste instead.

Yum!
 

Stuff. And Josh Groban.

I have been burning the candle at both ends recently so to speak... It's not good for me, I know it's not, but... And yet i have so many important things to do, and so many other things I want to do - its so hard to make myself take time out. I feel I don't have time for it, but I'm not getting through the important stuff anyway... I feel like my life is such a shambles at the moment sometimes: I really need to do something about finding a new job. I have my (fairly) major uni project due in a week and a half. My place is a complete mess. I'm struggling to find motivation to do anything about any of these things. I have way more people that I've promised to catch up with than I have time to catch up with them in. Ditto emails I should to reply to. I know I'm avoiding dealing with things and doing all my classic evasion techniques (sit around reading fics on the internet all evening, anyone?). I want to spend as much time as possible with P, because he's only here for such a short time. And he's probably the closest friend I have at the moment. But I'm also worried about whether I'm going to handle it when he leaves to go overseas again. I don't have the right words to express why, but I'd be a fool to think I'm going to be fine with it :-/  Only have myself to blame though - I know I've been desperately clinging to P's friendship (almost like it's the only thing keeping me afloat) ever since I cut D out of my life. There's bound to be fallout. :-( 

I can feel that I'm stressed. And if I'm honest with myself, it dates back to falling out with D two months ago. I knew it was inevitable, but didn't make it any easier. And while I like to think that there are things I would have done differently if I had that time again, I think the end result would have been the same. Staying (very) close friends after breaking up was never going to work out. Unfortunately... :-(  For all the things that didn't work between D and I, he was a stabilizing influence on me and I miss that. Something about the kind of person he was seemed to help me to stay calmer than I would otherwise. I really miss the closeness we had. I wish I had been able to keep him as a friend, but it was just too hard on me. Maybe one day we'll be friends again (if he hasn't decided he hates my guts after what I said), but for now I think it's best for me if he's not a part of my life. :-/ sigh...

So what does that have to do with everything else? Well simply that I threw myself headlong into the rest on my life, to try to take my mind off D. Being too busy to think worked (mostly), and did push me into several things I wanted to be doing (like uni, and finding a new job) but now I've worn myself out... And I don't think I've really dealt with the stuff I need to deal with yet. But that's life. And these things take time. And I know I'm getting there (as far as getting over it goes), albeit more slowly than I'd like.  

Sigh... I really have to work on taking better care of myself - I know that. Even something as simple as getting enough sleep, eating better, and sorting out what my priorities are with the 5 billion things I need to do, would make a huge difference.

And in the meantime... here's some Josh Groban lyrics:
Because Josh is awesome and this is my favourite song. It sounds better sung, but I can't be bothered working out how to embedded media into this blog - you can search YouTube yourself if you don't know how it goes.  

P, this is for you :-) xo


A beautiful and blinding morning
The world outside begins to breathe
See clouds arriving without warning
I need you here to shelter me

And I know that only time will tell us how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake to memorize you
Give me more time to feel this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

If I could make these moments endless
If I could stop the winds of change
If we just keep our eyes wide open
Then everything would stay the same

And I know that only time will tell me how
To carry on without each other

So keep me awake for every moment
Give us more time to be this way
We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you next to me today

We'll let tomorrow wait
You're here right now with me
And all my fears just fall away
When you are all I see

We can't stay like this forever
But I can have you here today

And I will remember...
Oh, I will remember...
Remember all the love we shared today

(Awake by Josh Groban)

    

So about that poem... :-)

Why tell your grandkids you worked nine to five..
Five days a week for 40 years
And quietly sat in traffic jams while people went to war, suffered disease
And brothers killed brothers?
Why not tell them that you refused to live in fear?
Tell them you crossed the Amazon,
Saw the lost cities of gold
And met your soul mate in Casablanca.
Travel to the ends of the earth
Go now and live adventures that will
Make your grandkids proud.

I found it on this webpage:
http://www.apus-peru.com/adventure_peru.htm

...but it was originally adapted from a STA travel promotion.

A life lived in fear is a life half lived

What the title says.

For some unknown reason that line keeps going round and round in my head.

I think it's telling me to get out there and live life. Have fun. Do what I want to do. Take risks. Try new things. Live life.

I would like to put that STA travel poem here, but the brief search I did just then didn't find it. :-/
You know - the "make your grandkids proud" one.

And now I have Goldeneye the James Bond theme in my head. Not sure if that signifies anything. Better listen to some Josh instead :-)

Resolutions and stuff

So... I got reminded the other day that I haven't written in my blog for ages... And then this morning I was reviewing the new years resolutions I'd typed into my iphone notes app back in January, and I thought "Hey, this'd be a pretty good thing to put in my blog"... So here they are - my 2010 new years resolutions and my review of how I'm doing as at the 28th of march (copied direct from my iphone)

A quick note before I start. I'm generally not a fan of "new years resolutions". At the time I wrote them down I thought of them as decisions -things I was going to do this year. The key word involved was "achievable". And the overarching goal was "things that would help me enjoy life more". But this is just semantic nitpicking - most people would see no difference between this and me making new years resolutions so that's what I'm calling them here.

New Year, new leaf - 2010 new years resolutions

1. Spend more time doing things I love
    - dancing
    - playing board games
    - spending time with friends

2. Study something at tafe that could lead to a new career
    - interior architecture
    - massage
    - graphic design
    - cooking

3. Be more active. ie:
    - rockclimbing
    - go for walks
    - dance more (salsa?)

4. Stop sabotaging my relationships

5. Take time out for myself

How will I know when I've achieved these things?
Dancing twice week, board games at least every fortnight, catching up with friends several times/week, 2 nights in per week, at least one just me, go for a walk a couple of times a week (three), rockclimbing every fortnight. I'll have enrolled in tafe and will be studying something I enjoy. I'll regularly see someone to help me deal with my issues (maybe one of mum's students or mum or a psychologist)

Update 24th feb 2010
Playing boardgames more. My relationship with D is more solid. Need to work on the other things.

Update 28th march 2010.
1. Fairly good - spending more time with friends, and playing boardgames. Not doing so well with dancing, but generally spending more time doing things I enjoy. Lots of gaming = fun.

2. Haven't done anything about this - need to get onto it. Perhaps website design? Maybe I could get mum to pay for me to do a course as part of the exchange for making her a website.
Note: when I said tafe above, I don't mean I wouldn't consider courses through other institutions. Tafe is generally flexible and inexpensive so I'll look there first. I can't afford to leave my job and study fulltime.

3. I think I am more active than I was but not much. Definitely room for improvement. Haven't been going for walks recently like I intended to - I find it hard to find time. A bike ride once a week is a good idea. (Sunday morning bike ride) - next step get a bike (of my own). Perhaps D could help - like if we go down to the park together and he goes for a run while I go for a walk. Rockclimbing is difficult a) to find time, b) to find a climbing partner. Of course the latter might be solved if I rang some of the people who advertise for climbing partners at rockface. So that just leaves time...
 
I think for now, while the weather's ok, I'll focus on going for a bike ride on Sundays and trying to get more walks in. Maybe when it gets colder I should look into going back to body balance.

4. Um... I think I have definitely improved but I also think I still have quite a lot improving left to do. D and I have been together 6 months now, which almost makes my longest relationship. And in the only longer relationship I've been in, at 6 months I was just waiting to break up with him. I put it off for a while for a couple of reasons, one of them being that he was madly trying to finish his honours thesis at the time. (we broke up shortly after). 

So anyway... (after that somewhat irrelevant aside), I think I'm doing better with my current relationship than I have in the past. (By that I mean that I am more mature and this is a healthier relationship compared to previous ones). Of course, I'm sure that's greatly helped by the fact that my boyfriend has the patience of a saint. Seriously, he's one of the most patient people I know. :-) 

Anyway, as far as relationships go, I know I still have plenty of room to improve. But it's important not to forget how far I've come too. 

For now I want to focus on trying to appreciate what I have, rather than focusing on what's missing. And also spend some time thinking about what's important to me. Maybe try talking things over with an unbiased third party more often. 

How do you know if the things you choose to compromise on in a relationship are the right things? (I take the perspective there will always be things you have to compromise on because no-one's perfect) This the question that gets to me sometimes - because D has lots of really good points, but he also lacks a few other qualities that are also things I want in a boyfriend (just to be clear about it here, there's definitely more really good points than points I feel are missing. Definitely. :-). So, do I focus on appreciating the good stuff more and not worry about the rest? Or should I be trying to find someone who has all those things that are really good about D plus the other stuff as well...? How do you know? Is the very fact I'm asking this question my answer? Or am I overanalysing things too much? (very probably). What is my purpose here anyway? 

Arrgh! Brain overload. But it has at least prompted me with an idea - I think this would be a good time to reread Neale Donald Walsch, CwG book 1. And at the risk of repeating myself... for now, apart from rereading CwG, I going to try to focus on appreciating the good stuff. :-) I think I am overanalysing things too much.

[and incidentally, while I was writing this, I got a text from my boyfriend that reminded me of one of the things I really like about him... :-D Just wanted to acknowledge that here... Thanks D for making me smile *has warm fuzzy feeling*]

5. I think I am better at taking time out for myself when I need it. And I think I'm improving at recognizing when I need time out, and how much time I need. And I've improved at saying no to people, when saying yes would not leave me with enough time to myself. (obviously this is situationally dependent). I keep monday and thursday nights as nights in to myself and this usually works pretty well. So long as I don't over do things on the weekend and have a bit of time then too - such as a nice lazy sunday morning - and/or on my wednesday off. I think I'm doing reasonably well with finding balance in my life. 

Actually just thinking about it now, I think the optimum is mon and thurs evenings in, (not necessarily by myself, but quiet evenings nonetheless), and nice lazy mornings sunday and wed (not starting off doing stuff til after lunch). Some, not necessarily all, of the above spent on my own. 

Is that a lot of time to need as downtime? It kind of seems that way to me - I mean what would I do if I got a real job (ie fulltime, instead of 30hr/wk) and had to work wednesdays, instead of every second saturday? Cross that bridge when I come to it, I guess. I am lucky with my current work roster. :-)  

------

Wow! This has turned into a massively long post. Anyway time to do something else - like enjoying the absolutely beautiful weather we have today - think I might borrow my housemate's bike and go for a ride around the lake again. Today is a good day :-)

I go onto Facebook... I discover C has started a travel blog... I wander over to check it out, decide to post a comment and... "what's my blog address again?"

It's ok. I worked it out. (would have been even more concerning if I didn't). but I did still open a new tab to check. (yes. I know.) and had a brief panic over "what's my password" before realising that my open gmail had already taken care of that for me.

Clearly a sign I need to update more often.

1am in the morning with a work day tomorrow is probably not the best time though.

Well it has been like forever since I last wrote in my blog. Over 2 months - that's really bad. I've been busy yes, but I'm pretty much always busy. It's hard for me to tell if my life has been more hectic than usual or not. I think it has, but also I haven't really felt like blogging.

And then the longer you leave it, the harder it is to get back into it because you've got 5 billion trillion things that you were going to blog about and never got round to at the time and oh my god where do I start... Argh!

Does anyone else have this problem? ...maybe it's just me.

So the short version:

Since last post,

• I had a housemate for a month (long story). It was both good and bad for a whole range of reasons that I'm not going to go into right now. Overall, it was more good than bad. There were times it was quite a close call, but yeah it was a good experience and I'd do it again. Which is a good thing because she's coming back at some point.
  
• I have acquired, remarkably quickly, by various means, most of the things on my gifts list from the last post - including the couch, kitchen bench unit, knives, glasses, roasting tray, some plants. So pretty much everything bar the toaster, salad spinner
  
• I now live with a digital piano (and it didn't cost me anything - I'm "baby-sitting" it). This is so incredibly cool, I can't explain how cool this is. I am trying to teach myself to play - I think I am slowly making progress. It would be nice to make progess more quickly, maybe I should get lessons... but I'm not aiming to be technically good, I just want to be able to songs I like reasonably well - ie above 'just recognisable' but less than 'excellent'
  
• I am trying to decide whether to buy a rock-climbing harness. (and chalk bag). I've found the one I want - if I decide to buy that is - mammut lotus (small) from mountain designs. It's red, $109.95.
  
• I still haven't started taking private dance lessons which I have been meaning to do for over a year now.
  
• I'm still single. Nothing new there.
  
• Work is work. I'm bored with it but still don't know what I might prefer to do. So nothing new there either.
  
• I love my new flat. It is so much better than the previous one. So much better. Yeah, it's not perfect (like today I discovered that someone, somewhere along the line has decided that it is a good idea to have the lawn-mowing man come at 8.30 on a Saturday morning. Um excuse me? Not impressed. GRRR!), but relatively minor issues aside, it's great. I love it.
  

Really can't think of anything else right now - in fact I'm barely keeping my eyes open... so I think it's time to finish off and go to bed. G'night.