I go onto Facebook... I discover C has started a travel blog... I wander over to check it out, decide to post a comment and... "what's my blog address again?"

It's ok. I worked it out. (would have been even more concerning if I didn't). but I did still open a new tab to check. (yes. I know.) and had a brief panic over "what's my password" before realising that my open gmail had already taken care of that for me.

Clearly a sign I need to update more often.

1am in the morning with a work day tomorrow is probably not the best time though.

Well it has been like forever since I last wrote in my blog. Over 2 months - that's really bad. I've been busy yes, but I'm pretty much always busy. It's hard for me to tell if my life has been more hectic than usual or not. I think it has, but also I haven't really felt like blogging.

And then the longer you leave it, the harder it is to get back into it because you've got 5 billion trillion things that you were going to blog about and never got round to at the time and oh my god where do I start... Argh!

Does anyone else have this problem? ...maybe it's just me.

So the short version:

Since last post,

• I had a housemate for a month (long story). It was both good and bad for a whole range of reasons that I'm not going to go into right now. Overall, it was more good than bad. There were times it was quite a close call, but yeah it was a good experience and I'd do it again. Which is a good thing because she's coming back at some point.
  
• I have acquired, remarkably quickly, by various means, most of the things on my gifts list from the last post - including the couch, kitchen bench unit, knives, glasses, roasting tray, some plants. So pretty much everything bar the toaster, salad spinner
  
• I now live with a digital piano (and it didn't cost me anything - I'm "baby-sitting" it). This is so incredibly cool, I can't explain how cool this is. I am trying to teach myself to play - I think I am slowly making progress. It would be nice to make progess more quickly, maybe I should get lessons... but I'm not aiming to be technically good, I just want to be able to songs I like reasonably well - ie above 'just recognisable' but less than 'excellent'
  
• I am trying to decide whether to buy a rock-climbing harness. (and chalk bag). I've found the one I want - if I decide to buy that is - mammut lotus (small) from mountain designs. It's red, $109.95.
  
• I still haven't started taking private dance lessons which I have been meaning to do for over a year now.
  
• I'm still single. Nothing new there.
  
• Work is work. I'm bored with it but still don't know what I might prefer to do. So nothing new there either.
  
• I love my new flat. It is so much better than the previous one. So much better. Yeah, it's not perfect (like today I discovered that someone, somewhere along the line has decided that it is a good idea to have the lawn-mowing man come at 8.30 on a Saturday morning. Um excuse me? Not impressed. GRRR!), but relatively minor issues aside, it's great. I love it.
  

Really can't think of anything else right now - in fact I'm barely keeping my eyes open... so I think it's time to finish off and go to bed. G'night.

New Place

I haven't had a chance to blog for ages. What with xmas, new years, work and moving apartments I've had barely a moment to myself since early december. I didn't have any time off work over the holiday season either - just the public holidays and my normal days off.

During a brief moment of insanity several weeks before Xmas I decided to inspect and then apply for a new apartment. Then I got the place and had to deal with the whole moving thing right between xmas and new year. Lots of fun [/sarcasm]. I won't pretend it was good because it wasn't - it was crazy and hectic and stressful and I don't know what I would have done without all the wonderful people who came and helped me (especially Mum, who gave up the better part of a week). Gone insane probably. More insane, I mean - clearly I must have been insane when I decided to move between xmas and new year.

But it's over. Thank god. (Well, apart from finishing unpacking and waiting for the old real estate agents to decide how much of my bond I get back.)

And the new place is worth it. It's twice the size, 2 bedrooms instead of 1, barely more expensive, quiet street/neighbours, across the road from a park, and walking distance to the train. That's my definition of walking distance too, so really not far. I haven't tried the walk yet -I've been meaning to but haven't had the chance - but I estimate it'd be about 10min.

I'm debating whether to get a housemate or not. Cheaper rent would definitely be a big bonus but I don't know how I'll go with living with someone all the time. I like my space and I don't like having people around all the time. I think with the right person I'd be right. Someone who's not intrusive, who's out a fair bit of the time or maybe someone who works evenings. Definitely no party animals or noisy/loud people. Also I don't want someone who has to be around people or someone who would expect me to talk to them all the time. It probably sounds like I'm totally anti-social or something but I'm not really. Just sometimes. Sometimes, probably even most of the time, I like being sociable, but at other times I don't feel like talking to people and just want to be left alone. I'd need someone who would respect that.

I am going to keep my eyes open for a housemate anyway. There are plenty of advantages to it that I haven't gone into above. But I won't just take someone for the sake of filling the room. If I can't find someone who I think I would be able to live with relatively easily, I'll leave it empty.

Anyway better go home and have some dinner. If anyone is wondering what to get me for a housewarming present here is a list of things I want to get for my new place. (Note: presents are neither required nor expected, but I know some of my friends are the sort to give me a present anyway even when I tell them not to worry about it, so I figure I might as well get some things I want)

Not sure when the housewarming's going to be... Maybe this weekend, so the friend who has to go back to whoop-whoop (Kalgoorlie) on Sunday can come, or otherwise I might do a combined housewarming, birthday party later in the year.

So, things I want for my new place:

• a small couch (I finally have space for one, yay!) obviously I'm not expecting anyone would buy me a new one (not even my parents), but I'll quite happily take hand-me-downs or opshop furniture so long as it's in semi-decent nick.
• a kitchen bench unit - to create more bench space in my kitchen. (ditto above)
• kitchen bits and pieces - toaster (2 slice), salad spinner, a salad bowl with a tight fitting lid (the sort of thing you'd use to take a salad to a picnic), a decent chefs knife (like Mum's victorinox one), glasses - maybe 4, stove to oven casserole dish, roasting tray
• plants - such as pots of fresh herbs or other things you can eat, preferably unkillable ones :-P, the balcony doesn't get much sun, a dwarf fruit tree in a pot would be really cool although it'd probably die of neglect like most of my previous plants. Non edible plants are ok, but I prefer useful ones
• chair custions - 2 outdoor ones for the 2 white plastic chairs I have on my balcony, and some for the backs of the dining chairs I've got.
• maybe a picnic rug

Can't think of anything else off the top of my head, even though I know there's plenty more. gtg anyway the library's kicking us out... I'll update the list later if I remember.

Two Wolves

My Dad sent me this things in an email today. I like it.

Two Wolves.
One evening an old Cherokee indian told his grandson about a battle that goes on inside people. He said, 'My son, the battle is between two 'wolves' inside us all. One is Evil. It is anger, envy, jealousy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.
The other is Good. It is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion and faith.'
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather: 'Which wolf wins?'
The old Cherokee simply replied, 'The one you feed.

______

In other news, I am better. Not wonderful, but improved. Well... at the moment anyway... knowing me I can never be sure how long this will last... :-)

Happy Birthday to Mum for yesterday. I love you.

Jess has been better...

I've been kind of down recently. More so than usual anyway. Not really bad - like crying all evening, or not getting out of bed in the morning - but just generally a bit low.

There's been a fair bit of stuff going on but I'm not going to go into it here. Too public.
One could say, I guess, if you wanted to simplify everything into two words, that I'm lonely (relationships) and bored (work, and life generally).

I've also given up dancing (ballroom) temporarily. This is a bit tough because as well being one of my favourite things to do, dancing also makes up the main part of my social life. And right now is not such a good time for me to be spending extra time at home by myself. But last week was too hard, so I am determined to give myself a break from it. I don't know how long this will last, I'm hoping I'll be able to go back to it soon. For the meantime I'm trying to throw myself into spending time with friends and other hobbies, and not dwelling too much on things.

Send extra hugs my way if you see me. And invites to do something sociable are always good - better for me than sitting around at home on my own.

Thanks,
J

Jess has too many books to read

One of the downsides of working in a library (or upsides depending on how you look at it) is that I'm always seeing books I want to read. Too many books. So many books that I'll probably never get around to reading all of them unless I break a leg and am subjected to prolonged bedrest for a couple of months. Sigh... Oh well.

Today I found 5 to add to my never-ending list. In no particular order they are:

The Lucy Family Alphabet - Australian comedian Judith Lucy's autobiographical account of her crazy family
The Magician - book 2 in The Secrets of the Immortal Nicholas Flammel series by Michael Scott (book 1 was not bad)
The Diving Bell and the Butterfly - Jean-Dominique Bauby. No, I haven't seen the movie - but the book's drawn me in just by skimming the first 3 pages.
The Uncommon Reader - Alan Bennett. The title, and then the blurb, caught my eye a few months ago. But it's been out consorting with other readers until it passed across my desk today on it's way back from Subi.
The Graveyard Book - Neil Gaiman. I've always felt I should be more of a Neil Gaiman fan as he's almost got cult status with some of my friends. Thus far I've been a bit ambivalent - I liked Stardust, but those of his graphic novels I've seen have failed to enthall me. This one - highly recommended by the bookseller to our children's librarian, with a first paragraph that grabbed attention, maybe this will be one to change my mind.

These will, at some point, join the numerous other library items I'm hoarding at home... sixteen at last count.

Jess has been too busy to blog...

Haven't had a chance to do a blog post in a while - I wanted to on Tuesday but that would've just ended up being a rant about Perth's ridiculous public transport system so maybe it's best that I didn't get to it. It just really annoys me that in trying to do my bit for the environment by catching the bus to work - not only do I have to inconvenience myself by getting up earlier, walking further and waiting longer, but I also have to pay twice as much as it would cost me to drive. Umm... excuse me? Shouldn't they be trying to encourage people to use these buses? Maybe not. Grrr...

Anyway. Enough of that. In other news... a snapshot of my life at current - telegraph style because I have to go in 10min.

Went as a baaad fairy (punk/goth/slut fairy to quote a friend or two) to the halloween dance a few weeks ago. Had great time, v. happy with my costume. Photos see facebook.

Taken up hip hop dance classes. Feel v. unco but good fun.

Saw Wall-E. Loved it. Would like to go again. :-D

Eating too much takeaway. Trying to get back into cooking more regularly.

Politics: Not something I pay much attention to generally but glad Obama won. Like this post by resonant9 about it. Also much entertained by The Onion. Must go listen to speech.

Relationships = badly written tv soap opera. Don't ask.

Work = ok. Been lacking in motivation a bit. Need a challenge.

Life generally = ok

Anyway gtg... hip hop calls.

Untitled

I've been meaning to write a post for a while... but about what I'm not sure. I mostly only have minor grumble grumble things to say. (and some not so minor as well, but I'm not sure I'm entirely comfortable raising them here).

It's a little weird having a public blog that technically anyone could read. Well... anyone who knows me on facebook or actually looks at the link that's in my email signature. I don't imagine that many people actually look here, but it's hard to tell - there's only a few people who comment or refer to things I've posted but that doesn't actually mean they don't look at it. Sometimes I wish I knew who reads my blog, and other times I think that I'm better off not knowing because then I'd probably worry about what I write a lot more.

Sometimes I miss my old private blog that no-one knew about. Essentially it was just an online journal and it was pretty much mostly a dumping ground for when I was feeling angry or upset. But I put other stuff in it too. Quotes, pictures I found, minor anecdotes about my life, etc... I should go back one day and pull out some of the stuff I liked. I need reminding of the good stuff sometimes. This would be one of those times.

Anyway, gtg as usual the library is kicking us out.

My weekend

...as a series of Facebook status updates and snapshots of happenings...

Jess would like to go to dancing tonight, but thinks that staying home, packing, and getting a good nights sleep before the 7hr drive tomorrow would be a much more sensible idea. (5.56pm Fri)

Jess is "on the road again" (~10am Sat)

Jess : still on the road. Sigh :-/ (~4pm Sat)

Jess is in Kalgoorlie (5.30pm Sat)

_____


Sunday morning:
Time = too early - wake up as Thia get up and leaves bedroom, considerately pulling the curtains behind her and shutting out unwanted light. Promptly go back to sleep.
Time = later - wake up to smell of someone preparing a full cooked breakfast in next room. Decide it's definitely time to get up now. Yum!

Jess is finding this being cooked for thing rather novel and very pleasant, especially when said cook is as good at it as Thia is. (all weekend)

Jess is valiently - but not entirely successfully - resisting the urge to check her email and go on facebook this weekend. It's meant to be a holiday from regular life damnit. (ditto)

_____


Jess is soaking up the sun and the 30 degree heat next to the pool in Kalgoorlie. Nice. (Mon arvo)

Jess is wondering what the hell is she doing swimming when it's only September. The water quite nice actually. Once you get past the getting in stage anyway. *eep* (ditto)

After dinner we played Carcassone. This is a brilliant game of strategy, plotting and other nefarious plans. Be warned - it may cause you to fall out with your friends when they sneakily take over and steal your points winning castles.

Thia: 48 points! I can't believe I finished a 48 point castle. Wow.
Me: Die! Die cruel and horrible deaths for you hath stolen my castle ridiculous.

Thia is spotted plotting nefarious plans
Me: Aha! I see your nefarious plans and counter with some nefarious plotting of my own.
Thia: I see your nefarious plotting and raise you 2x nefarious plans
Me: Noooooo! Not again! *Counters nefarious plan once more*
**Repeat from above

Later...
Thia: This tile's not useful at all.
Me: Hah suffer! suffer cruel and horrible... cruel and horrible things.
BB: Her heart's not in it anymore.

Brightbear was surreptiously quiet for the most part, but did manage to take out the 2nd game by a huge points margin. Sneaky. :-)

______


(Tues 11am)
Me: "We're on the road again"
BB: Will you shut up with that song?
Me: Sorry.

Many many hours later:
Jess is glad to be back.

______

NB. I may have possibly taken a little creative license in recording some of the exchanges above.

For slightly more coherent perspectives of our weekend you could try here or here. Brightbear has yet to comment.

Status updates

Because yet again I have way too many choices but can't decide.

Jess is wrecked.

Jess would like her friends to stop her from to Fast Eddies in future because she can't handle any more sleep deprivation

I am so tired. Really, so tired I actually feel sick. Not an unexpected result - the odd times I did allnighter for a uni assignment, I used to feel sick the next day.

Jess needs someone to come round this evening. Anyone. Please bring a compassionate ear, lots of hugs, good sense of humour and a willingness to ignore the messiness of my flat.

This morning I felt like this. But I didn't put it up because, apart from not having internet access, I was worried that the wrong person might reply. There are a few people on my f-list that... well... wouldn't have helped - not that they aren't great people. They are - they just not right in this case. And of all the people I know, the one who I really wanted is working tonight, and of the others I'd prefer - well - half of them are either on facebook or not in a position to come round to my place. And I was also worried that even worse, no-one at all would want to come round.

But now:

Jess is surprisingly ok, all things considered. Well apart from feeling half dead from exhaustion

This is still true:

Jess would give anything for someone to come round, do the dishes and make her dinner tonight.

And then I was going to put on facebook:

Jess has thought of too many status updates, so she put them in her blog instead.

But I went with a combination of the first two.

I had some others as well, but I can't remember them. And anyway they're kicking us out at the library so I'd better go.

Jess is not sure what to write...

I dragged myself down to the library this evening to write in my blog, because I knew I'm not likely to get another chance to do so until next wednesday at the earliest. But now I'm here I'm not sure what I'm going to write about. I could, of course, hang around mindlessly on facebook instead, but I do that often enough anyway. I guess I also felt kind of compelled to post something because I didn't want to leave my latest update as my last post for too long. At the time the pain was real - very real - but as it fades with time and distance, it's... no longer such an accurate representation of who I am at this moment. A blog post is a lot more permanent - or rather, a human being is a lot more changeable than this written record shows. Even facebook status updates can't keep up :-)

___________

So with this space, how is my life now?

Um... it's ok. Generally things are fairly good (fri night/sat morn excepted), but I often have this nagging sensation that something's missing or not quite right. I can't really put my finger on what it is, I have a few ideas but none I am willing to mention here and now. It's like the feeling of being in limbo in a way. Why? I don't know. I feel like I need a holiday too.

Work has signed me off my probation period and on to permanent, or whatever they call it. It's um... good. People often ask me how it's going and I'm never really sure what to say... It's a good job. I like it. A lot more than any of my previous jobs. The people are nice. The hours are good - I really like working only almost fulltime, having every wednesday off is good. Um... Not sure what else to say really. Possibly it's not challenging enough or something... - it's pretty easy-going - which I liked at first but now I wonder. Maybe I am starting to get bored. I mean there are always interesting books to look at but... *shrugs* I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want to do this for the rest of my life, but at the same time I don't know if I am any closer to working out what I want to do. I told myself I'd give this a year at least and then re-evaluate so yeah. I think I'd want something that stimulates me more. I know that there are some parts of it I like a lot more than others. Things like creating posters/displays, doing up the new booklists. Discussing ways to get people more involved with the library. The idea of maintaining a library blog. I also like it when I'm learning new things but then when it becomes routine, I'm not so enthused. I like variety in my work. And yet I've considered, and tried many different things but still can't work out what I want to do. Yet again I'm trying something I thought I might want to do, and once again it's not quite right.

well... I'll work it out one day I guess.
And really, it's not a bad job for now. Not in the slightest.

Some alternative facebook status updates...

...that I considered in light of the past 24 hours, but ultimately didn't use.

Jess hurts.

Jess can't bear this pain anymore.

Jess was having a good time last night, up to the point where she went home in tears.

Jess wishes it wasn't illegal to run over stupid pedestrians.


I went with: Jess is really not having a good day.
I think that said enough really.

I am kind of ok now. Relatively speaking.

on dance

Last Wednesday night I fell in love with lyrical hip hop.

Second last performance of the night on the American So you think you can dance, Chelsea and Mark danced the most amazing hip hop routine. It was just so beautiful - and that's not something I ever thought I'd say about hip hop dancing. Energetic, fun, crazy, impressive, sexy even, but beautiful? I never imagined I'd say that about a hip hop routine and yet this time I can't think of an adjective better suited. Hip hop isn't my thing really - generally I think it's impressive and all that, but I'm not inclined to rave about it. Well until now.

I can't do justice to it writing about it. Not in the slightest. But just for a second, imagine using your hands to move a lifesize model of a human standing in front of you, as if you're manipulating their limbs, turning them around, etc. Now instead of that picture, imagine it's a real human being standing there and move your hands out 30cm or so away from their body. As you move your hands they move - just as before, but without any contact between you - almost as if they were a puppet and you're pulling the strings.

That part, which took all of about 30 seconds on the show, was my favourite part of the entire routine. And the whole thing was amazing. I guess one of the reasons I found it so awesome because the dancers did such a brilliant job of bringing the piece to life. It was a love story between a workaholic and his girlfriend who didn't want him to leave. Quite a simple story really, and yet Courtney and Mark made it so believable, so real. They were living it right there up on stage.

That's what make good dancing great. That's what takes something from "Hey that's cool/that's impressive" and elevates it up to realm of "Wow..." of sheer brilliance. and of that feeling that you'll never be able to see things in quite the same way again. That's why I watch So you think you can dance. Because sometimes (just sometimes) you do see such brilliant dancing. And I'd probably never see it anywhere else.

The meaning of Lif

I dunno

________


I was going write but now I can't be bothered. Life is ok. I've been a bit grumpy yesterday and today - mainly in the morning before work. Being busy or having stuff to do at work seems to shake me out of it mostly.

My 3 month probation period for work is up this week. It's going well, most of the time I enjoy it. Today was not so good what with crazy asian guy going spac over something. But generally it's good. Most of the people are really nice and the work itself generally has enough variation to keep me interested - and if not there are always interesting books to look at. Unfortunately I don't have time to read them all. *sigh*

Arrgh!

I had a bit of an... ...unusual... ...experience this morning.

I was driving along when I looked down and saw a spider the size of a 50c piece on my arm!
Arrgh! S***! OMFG! really doesn't do justice to the shock I got. I nearly jumped out of my skin! Of course at the time I was wearing 5 layers of clothing and a pair of gloves, but that's not what you think of when something like this happens, is it? Thankfully I am not the sort to panic at the sight of a spider - especially as I was going 60km/hr down a fairly major road near my place at the time. After unsuccessfully trying to get it out the window, I pulled over onto the grassed median strip and jumped out the car and stripped off my jumper as fast as possible. A bit of shaking and flicking later and it was all over bar the wondering "how the hell did it get onto my jumper in the first place?" I really hope it was from the outside of the car not the inside and it hasn't left any friends (or babies) behind.

work rest play... but no mars

I feel like I could use a holiday. I don't know what it is exactly - working a bit more than usual, having more social things on than usual, not getting enough sleep...

Actually it's probably the last one mainly. I've been eating more junk food than usual recently too. Not taking enough time for myself etc, etc... Fallen off the horse a bit, as Jason would say.

I don't understand how people fit everything in. I don't even work fulltime and yet it seems like I don't have time to work, and have a social life, and cook/do the shopping, and keep my flat tidy, and have time to relax, and sleep enough. I can really understand now why so many people just go with the ready made meals or take-away option. In my case, usually it's my flat that suffers. I would like to keep my flat in a decent state but... Well take monday night - by the time I'd got home from work, bought some food, cooked dinner, washed up, hung out some washing, and handwashed some more, it was around 9.30 and I was pretty much ready for bed... and yet there was still more to do and I hadn't had any time to relax either. sigh...

I haven't had any time to write in my blog recently and I regret that. I would like to be able to do this more often, I think it would be good for me. I guess I ought to get organised and connect the internet at home. Now that uni has finally closed my account my only internet access is either at my local library or at work during my break or tues/fri after I finish. Generally this is not enough time for much more than keeping up with emails/messages (somewhat) and internet banking. Getting the internet connected seems such a lot of hassle - trying to work out which of the hundreds of options to go with - and of course there's the additional expense as well. I've also been putting it off because I know I'm likely to waste a lot of time if I have internet at home. But without the easy availability of uni internet access - open til late, 5min down the road - I find not having internet at home a bit awkward. So I'm getting around to it (very slowly).

__________

So what have I been doing with all my time then?

Well, last week, as well as my normal work roster (M, T, T, F, alternate S):
I cooked dinner for mum + my 2 brothers on Mon night
Went to dancing on Tues
Worked an extra shift on my day off and had family over for dinner again (and cooked again) on Wed
Thursdays are my late shift at work (until 8pm)
Friday I went dancing again - until close (midnight)
It was my Saturday to work, after which I had lunch and went to the Da Vinci exhibition with Dad, my Aunt, and my brother.
Sunday - day off (thank god) and got to sleep in. Yay! In the afternoon Mum and I went the So You Think You Can Dance tour.

Bleh, no wonder I'm a bit worn out. It was good though. Well mostly.

___________

I also went to see Mamma Mia the week before last which was great fun :D
It's just my kind of movie - light-hearted, fun, and nothing remotely scary, gory, or cringe-worthy (well maybe Pierce Brosnan's singing). And I like ABBA songs, so what's not to love? I'd like to see it again, but I figure I'll wait for the DVD - to save money and so I can watch any behind-the-scenes at the same time.

The link to the stage musical was very overt - in that there would often be only a couple of lines of dialogue and then someone would burst into song:
Lack the money for some much needed renovations... Express your frustrations with an ABBA song
Want to tell your ex he's a bastard... Say it with an ABBA song
Planning on asking some to marry you... Why not use a ABBA song
Trouble finding a band for your daughter's hens night... just dig out your crazy 70s costumes and perform an ABBA song instead. They'll love it.

It was cheesy and over-the-top, but I loved it.

So this is who i am

Having a bad case of writers block right now. The main reason I came down to the library was so I could write in my blog, but now I've got here I can't think what to write. I have been feeling better at least :-) these past few days. Thanks are due to Mum for listening to me on Sunday and Monday nights. In fact this morning I was practically chirpy. I was singing along to some Michael Buble songs (rather loud and silly) while driving to my chiro appointment. I wish I had been able to go see him when he performed in Perth a few weeks ago, but unfortunately I didn't find out he was coming to Perth until after tickets had sold out :-( Oh well hopefully next time. At least I am going to see the So You Think You Can Dance Tour in a couple of weeks. YAY!

Other things I want to go to are:
The Imperial Ice Stars in Cinderella on Ice
The Da Vinci Machines exhibition
Mamma Mia (the movie)

I also wouldn't mind going to see Peter Combe at the Fly by Night this weekend. (Go on, go ahead and laugh. But if you fancy reliving your childhood with classic songs like "Toffee apple nice sticky..." give me a call - it's only $25 or so)

And dare I admit to maybe wanting to see Damien Leith too. Well possibly. Except I probably won't end up going.

I have just notice on BOCS that there is something called The Jungle Book and other Dances - hmm... the jungle book in various dance styles... could be interesting, or just really odd.

____________


I feel kind of.... um... odd having what I wrote on Sunday up here. Actually I haven't gone back and read over it again at all, which is pretty unusual because normally I read over every post at least once. And usually I make some minor changes for the benefit of "readability" or whatever.

I guess in a way I'm not really comfortable with what that post says about me. Of course I could take it down, but I don't want to do that. However true for me it may or may not be now, on Sunday the pain was real. The trouble with a blog is that it's a snapshot frozen in time of how I am or what I'm thinking about. Looking back sometimes I think what was all the fuss about.

I think the reason I now feel awkward is that I worry that maybe other people will think it's silly or a stupid thing to get upset about. Well actually, what I really worry about is that they'll think less of me for it (or other things like that). Which is in itself a bit silly really.... If someone doesn't like me for who I am (the good and the bad) than why am I bothering about them. Also someone wise once told me that if something upsets you (no matter how small or trivial) than it's not stupid. Sure it may be something that wouldn't bother someone else, but that's not the point. I am not someone else.

___________


I was going to write about another point, but I forget what now.

Hello darkness my old friend

I made myself come straight to my blog as soon as I got on to the internet because I knew that if I didn't I would just end up wasting time doing distractive things - such as checking my email, facebook, reading other peoples blogs etc... Which are all very well and that but they don't really help. They just distract me for a while but there's no lasting effect. When I have too much time to think, I can just as easily get down again.

It's really sad to admit this but recently I'm often happier when I'm at work than when I'm not. That's sad. And the novelty of working in a library has worn off - so although I do enjoy my job, it is in a way still just a job. Admittedly it is a job that I like better than any of the other jobs I've had. But it's not like it's incredibly fulfilling and I jump out of bed wanting to got to work each morning. I like it, that's enough.

The reason I've been down often is I've been feeling lonely. Not really in the sense of 'I miss having a boyfriend' but just generally. I miss having someone to talk to; and I miss having someone to do things with. I don't seem to catch up with friends as much anymore and/or I feel out of place. I also don't think living on my own is good for me anymore. I used to love it, but I think it has the tendency to increase my tendency to withdraw into myself when I'm not feeling good. This does not help matters.

The trouble with getting down about it though, is that I'm in a sense paralysed. I don't do anything about it, I just feel bad. I don't know, I feel like I should do something. Arrange to catch up with people or something, but...

A few weeks ago, I tried to arrange to catch up with two different friends (separately), and in both cases the arrangements fell though (for various reasons). At the time I was really disappointed. Actually that's a bit of an understatement. Since then I haven't tried to arrange to catch up with anyone.

I can't believe I'm still hurting out this, but I am.

gtg back later.

Thoughts

Today I am tired. I don't know what to write. Going to the fruit and veg markets in Subi has worn me out. They were so busy - even more packed full of people than they are normally. It was really quite stressful. Last night was good. I went out for dinner with friends who I hadn't seen for a while. I haven't laughed so hard in ages. It was good for me. I needed that.

I have been a bit up and down recently. More down than up, unfortunately. Yesterday went towards addressing that imbalance but only a bit. I worked on my day off (wed) this week. That wasn't such a good idea. I would have benefited more from having the day off.

My original plan in coming in to use the internet, was to write about this book I read over the past few days. The book's called The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman. Basically it starts by saying that different people have different ways of feeling/showing love and then it discusses these 5 "love languages" as he calls them. Everyone has one main love language which is the key to feeling that other people care about them. If their need for emotional love is not being met through their love language then it doesn't matter what else others do, they still won't feel loved. It's like giving someone a bunch of flowers, when all they want is a hug (or some help around the house, or...).

These are: (I'll use his labels for them)
1. Words of Affirmation (telling them you appreciate them, any positive comments)
2. Quality Time (doing things with them, quality conversation - ie listening)
3. Receiving Gifts (self evident, surely)
4. Acts of Service (doing things for them, helping them with stuff)
5. Physical Touch (also self-evident - hugs etc)

In this book he approaches it from a marriage counselling point of view, but I think it has much much wider applications than that. So many things in my life suddenly made a whole lot more sense. Reading the chapter about my love language (quality time) on Friday night actually upset me a lot because I realised how badly I wasn't getting what I need. But awareness is at least the first step.

I don't think I am doing a very good job of explaining the concepts but I assure you it was excellent - go read it! I found so many things fell into place as I read it.

I'd love to write more and edit this post so it's better written, but they're kicking me out so I gtg.
Au revoir.

Stuff

Recently I'm finding it harder to make time to write posts for my blog. Working takes up a fair portion of the spare time I used to have, but there are other less obvious obstructions. The first of these is I am trying to wean myself off using the internet at uni, as I am officially unenrolled now and it's only a matter of time before my internet account is locked. This means that I'm restricted to using the internet during public library opening hours which are mostly during the times I work. Also I'm now earning enough to have more than a bare bones survivalistic existance, which means I can actually go shopping in my spare time that otherwise could be used for blogging.

It's rather novel to be able to go shopping again. Ironically now that I can actually afford to buy things (well... within reason), I don't seem to have much spare time to go shopping. This is probably a good thing however as I don't want to get in the habit of wasting the money I earn. But on the other hand, I've been on a student sized income for so long, that I have a huge backlist built up of things that "I'll buy when I have some spare cash". For the kitchen alone:
griddle pan, proper chefs knife, bread knife, wok, salad spinner, second chopping board, another wooden spoon, more cutlery, a pan (or several) that can go both on the stove and in the oven, roasting tray, simmer ring, the list goes on...

Other areas of life have similarly long lists of things that cost money.
Clothing (all kinds)
Things to go to (So you think you can dance tour, Cinderella on Ice, the Da Vinci machines exhibition)
Things to do (ballroom dancing lessons, singing lessons, language classes, travel, massages)

Are these things absolutely necessary? Well clearly the answer is no, as I've lived without them so far, but...

It's really cool having a real income. I'm not quite used to it yet and in a way I hope I don't get used to it. It's nice to have this feeling of earning more than I need to survive (As a comparison measure, I'm earning a little under double what I used to earn from casual work while studying). However I know that it's very easy for one's "necessary" expenses to expand to fill up any increase in your income, that's why people (typically) find it so hard to save money. It's often quoted that people generally believe that the amount of money they really need is 10% more than they're earning, regardless of whether they earn $300/week or $3000.

To avoid falling into the pattern of spending everything I earn (or more), I'm following some of the recommendations laid out in the book The Richest Man in Babylon by George S. Clason. Excellent book - I highly recommend it. I'd also recommend How to get what you want in life with the money you already have by Carol Keeffe. In some regards, it's rather dated (ie the cost of a block of land in one of the examples she talks about), but most of the advice is timeless and excellent.

Every fortnight direct after getting paid, I immediately transfer a fixed percentage of my income into online savings account where the money is not immediately accessible. Another percentage goes directly toward paying down the credit card debt built up from periods when I wasn't working. It's not a big debt but as the interest on it is simply money down the drain, getting rid of it is a priority. (And for the record: if you don't have a credit card I don't recommend getting one, it's too easy to spend money you don't have, even when you're determined not to. Go debit mastercard or debit visa instead.)

Then I live off the rest of my income. While I still have the experience of getting to the end of the fortnight without any money left over, I'm not worried about that because I know I've already taken care of putting aside money for the things that are important to me.