Hello darkness my old friend

I made myself come straight to my blog as soon as I got on to the internet because I knew that if I didn't I would just end up wasting time doing distractive things - such as checking my email, facebook, reading other peoples blogs etc... Which are all very well and that but they don't really help. They just distract me for a while but there's no lasting effect. When I have too much time to think, I can just as easily get down again.

It's really sad to admit this but recently I'm often happier when I'm at work than when I'm not. That's sad. And the novelty of working in a library has worn off - so although I do enjoy my job, it is in a way still just a job. Admittedly it is a job that I like better than any of the other jobs I've had. But it's not like it's incredibly fulfilling and I jump out of bed wanting to got to work each morning. I like it, that's enough.

The reason I've been down often is I've been feeling lonely. Not really in the sense of 'I miss having a boyfriend' but just generally. I miss having someone to talk to; and I miss having someone to do things with. I don't seem to catch up with friends as much anymore and/or I feel out of place. I also don't think living on my own is good for me anymore. I used to love it, but I think it has the tendency to increase my tendency to withdraw into myself when I'm not feeling good. This does not help matters.

The trouble with getting down about it though, is that I'm in a sense paralysed. I don't do anything about it, I just feel bad. I don't know, I feel like I should do something. Arrange to catch up with people or something, but...

A few weeks ago, I tried to arrange to catch up with two different friends (separately), and in both cases the arrangements fell though (for various reasons). At the time I was really disappointed. Actually that's a bit of an understatement. Since then I haven't tried to arrange to catch up with anyone.

I can't believe I'm still hurting out this, but I am.

gtg back later.