This is me, This is who I am

I really can't seem to write what I want to say today.

There is so much. Yesterday I thought about lots of things and composed posts in my head. But today nothing flows. I've spent 40min getting nowhere.

Anyway here's the gist of it:

1. I want to apologise in greater depth for my outburst on Monday.
I am sorry about that. I had something I wanted to say but the way I expressed it was pretty terrible. I was coming from a place of anger and bitterness and I directed that towards people who had done nothing worse than invite me to something. They didn't deserve that and I know that they are generally very considerate people who wouldn't intentionally make me feel left out. I regretted saying it later, when I got home, because I knew it was uncalled for. I apologised next time I got on here (wed) but now I don't feel that was enough. So if you are one of the people I directed that at, I want you to know that I am sorry.

2. And the truth is that I do feel left out at times. I know this isn't anyone else's fault. It's just that living with food allergies is both frustrating and alienating when it comes to social event/gatherings. In our culture, as with others, people often bond over food - and when you can't eat those things it's hard. I am frequently tempted to avoid food related social events because:
option A - sitting around watch people eat is a bit alienating, especially when you do it not once, but at almost every social event you go to.
option B - trying to sort out something I can eat too is frustrating for me and bothersome for others. Bringing my own is time-consuming and not always an option (when was the last time you went to a restaurant or cafe that was happy for you to BYO food?)
option C - just eating it anyway, means (in my case) writing off the rest of the evening to feeling bleh.

3. This blog is an exercise in visibility. That is one of my main aims in keeping it. Probably the main reason. So what does that mean? I wrote a little piece in my head about that yesterday. I'll see if I can do it justice...

This is me, This is who I am.
The good, the bad and the ugly.
Sometimes it's scary baring my life and reactions to it in this blog. In public where anyone could read it. Exposing myself to the scrutiny of the world.
I don't know how many people actually read this but the thing is anyone could. Potentially. And that's a bit scary.

I worry sometimes that I'll lose friends by doing this. Or that I might make people hate me by what I say. I know that sometimes I express things badly. If I write when I'm stressed or upset for example. But I've made a commitment to this. A commitment to stop hiding my whole self. A commitment to always express a thing if it needs to be said. And to never settle for writing anything less than the truth. This is what I mean by visibility. So despite my fear that I might get myself into trouble, I am endeavouring to live this promise i made to myself.

I had to review my commitment to visibility recently and I came to the following conclusion:
If I lose friends by doing this, than so be it.
I hope that won't happen, but I would rather lose friends by being true to myself, than lose myself in order to maintain the good opinion of others.
If I cause people to hate me by what I say, than so be it.
I hope that won't happen, but I would rather have others hate me for speaking my truth, than hate myself for speaking an untruth or remaining silent when something needs be spoken.

I further commit to always endevouring to speak the truth with love. In a way that respects others and hurts no-one. I will no doubt make mistakes with this, however I will try my best.

This is me, This is who I am.

4. Thanks and acknowledgements
Neale Donald Walsch, God, and the Conversations with God books. My heartfelt thanks forever and always
Christopher Howard's Performance Revolution training.
Thia
Mum