Rambling Thoughts

This morning, and last night, I was feeling lonely. (I'm feeling better now)

I didn't used to get lonely much at all. When I first moved in to my flat, people always used to ask me if I got lonely living by myself or tell me they'd go insane if they had to live on their own. My answer was always along the lines of 'no, actually I like living on my own'. I was usually so busy doing stuff that I didn't have time to feel lonely.

Over 18 months down the track now, and I'm thinking I'd like to live with someone. It'd be a nice change I think. Admitedly I am rather... what's the word? ...I would give it a lot of thought before moving in with someone. Having my own space is still very important to me, I think it'd be nice to have someone else around at times. It'd have to be someone I got on with well though.

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Sometimes I feel like such a social klutz. Generally I think I do pretty well now. Certainly I'm a hundred times better than I used to be. A couple of days ago, I read back over my high school reports for the first time in years. It was... interesting? eye-opening? even. Boy have I come a long way.

Now I have good (or at least reasonably good) interpersonal and communication skills. I can make small talk. I can start conversations with random people, where I have no need or even a reason to talk them - the standing in line at the supermarket kind of situation. I never would have done that a couple of years ago. I'm no longer terrified by the prospect of public speaking. And indeed, have given presentations and enjoyed it where 10 years ago I skipped school to get out of one. Similarly, I've got over what was to me at one point a very scary hurdle, in that now I can even ask guys to dance. (that said I still prefer them to ask me).

At some point last year I got called talkative and bubbly in the same week (by two separate people). At the time I was amazed - those are not adjectives I would have considered associating with myself - and yet I could pass for outgoing with people I didn't really know at all - wow! That was pretty cool.

Now I've forgotten what I was going to say in the first place - spending so much time focusing on the improvements I've made :-) It was good because it reminded me that, even though I still feel like a complete klutz in some social situations and I just want to go bury my head in the sand, I have come a long way.

So the remaining situations to master:
guys I find attractive, people who I really admire but don't know very well, and the odd person that I just can't work out what to talk to them about.
The latter I'm not that fussed about, it can be awkward occasionally but I'm ok with not winning them all. The others i'd like to get over. Sooner rather than later, preferably.

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Enough rambling. In other news...

8 library applications later, and one of them has finally rang me and asked me to come in for an interview. Yay!
It's on Tuesday morning. Wish me luck. It's one of the earliest applications I put in too, so that gives me hope that some of the others might also ring me. Fingers crossed.

SYTYCD addiction update:

Sunday
Natalie B "Which of these two girls will join Kate and Rhys in our top 4 dancers..."
Overly long dramatic pause.
(NB counts to 10 under her breath 1 2 3 4 5)
Me "Demi! Demi! Come on Demi! Demi!"
Natalie B (opens envelope 6 7 looks inside 8 9)
Me "Go Demi! resorts to begging... Pick Demi! pleeease pick Demi."
Natalie B (9.5 9.75 10) "It's Demi! Congratulations Demi"
Me "whoohoo! yeah! whoohoo! Yay!"

The same process was repeated "just after the break" for Jack... One wonders if I'm taking this just a little too seriously perhaps? :-P

Jack, Kate, Demi and Rhys made it into the top 4. I'm stoked because I think they are the ones who deserve to be there the most. But I will miss Graeme. He had so much 'heart' in his dancing, particularly in his contemporary routines.